


The Super Smash Bros. Holiday Special

by Shadsie



Category: Star Wars Holiday Special (TV), Super Smash Brothers
Genre: Author has lost her everloving mind, Blame the Christmas-cold, Fourth Wall Breaking, Gen, Humor, Nintendo parody of Star Wars, Parody, References to the Nostalgia Critic and TV Tropes, Star Wars Parody, The kind of thing I write when I'm sick, brain pain, written in infirmity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-27
Updated: 2016-12-27
Packaged: 2018-09-12 13:27:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,401
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9073879
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shadsie/pseuds/Shadsie
Summary: The Kid Icarus crew use their fourth wall-breaking powers to bring the world a holiday special - but not any holiday special - a parody of one of the most godawful holiday films ever made, "The Star Wars Holiday Special" with a cast from Super Smash Bros.  So sit back with a hot drink and prepare to have your brain melted and to watch the goddess, Palutena, creatively torture her twin angels.  Bad 1970's TV meets a popular nonsensical fighting game.  Yay?   In other words, I wrote this because I was suffering from a horrible cold on Christmas and was dizzy from the coughing and probably a little bit from the meds.  Enjoy!





	

**Author's Note:**

> **Disclaimer and Notes:** Super Smash Bros. characters belong to Nintendo and others. The Star Wars Holiday special technically would belong to George Lucas if he had not disowned it long ago. This is an Ao3 exclusive because it is in script form, which, if I’m not mistaken, is not allowed on The Fanfiction Network but is okay here. There are loads of stupid references to the games I have actually played, so I apologize if you are a core Smash Bros. fan who hasn’t played some of my favorites. Likewise, I gloss over characters from games I haven't played.

**THE SUPER SMASH BROS. HOLIDAY SPECIAL**

 

  
  
  
PIT:  *Addresses the audience behind the Fourth Wall* Oh, yeah, hello there!  We, the Super Smash Brothers…

 

VIRIDI: And Super Bash Sisters! Hmmph!

 

PIT: Yeah… we have decided to bring you all a holiday special!  I’m totally-excited!  There will be food, right?  Lots of food?  And presents?  Will I get that new staff-weapon I asked for? And singing, and bringing joy to people!  Oh, and food! 

 

DARK PIT:  Oh, great, one of those cheesy specials that people trot out every year to try to celebrate weird religions and goodwill to all but they’re really just cash-grabs by money-hungry companies that want to make quick scratch by selling merchandise.  Whoopie-dip.  
  
PIT: Why so down, Pittoo?  I’m sure this holiday special will be awesome!  Also, the person writing it isn’t into it for money!  You can’t make any money off fan fiction unless you change names and tweak plots, and then usually only if the fic is really smutty because that’s what people buy even if the writing is really bad!  Um, right, Lady Palutena?  
  
PALUTENA: Oh, you’d best be prepared for bad, Pit.  Our dear author is quite ill and this is the kind of idea that only gets written by someone in too much pain to sleep whose brain is dizzy from medication and lack of oxygen from coughing fits!   
  
PIT: Ooh… really?  
  
DARK PIT: Why else would this get written?  It’s a parody of one of the worst holiday specials of all time!  I’ve heard that the original has been known to drive men insane! 

 

MALE!ROBIN: Hmmm…. It’s a side-thing for that franchise of movies that, despite being about various wars among the stars, is either in love with poor Hollywood-tactics or owes that trope money?

 

FEMALE!ROBIN: *Gives him a sidelong glance.* Yes. 

 

DARK PIT: When did you two show up?  Breaking the Fourth Wall is our franchise’s thing! 

 

MALE!ROBIN:  I am sorry, I just had to make a comment.   
  
VIRIDI: Consider yourselves lucky.  At least you aren’t doing a parody of “The Christmas Tree.”  By the way, no one messes with Mrs. Hopewell! 

 

PALUTENA: And we won’t be giving this to the audience straight! The Kid Icarus crew is going to be here in the Smash Mansion studio over-dubbing sarcasm throughout this entire ordeal. 

 

VIRIDI: You losers have fun. I’m not sticking around for this one. Don’t say I didn’t warn you!   
  
PIT: Well, then, on with the show!   
  
PALUTENA: *Waves her staff and brings up a screen for them all to view in the middle of the room*

 

 

 

 

The scene opens upon a field.  Two people are riding gallant horses and swinging their swords at various Bokoblins, Primids and Risen as their mounts gallop hard. 

 

LINK: HIYAAAA! 

 

LUCINA:  Don’t worry, Link!  We’ll cut through this blockade! I know it’s an important day! You’ll be celebrating the Feast of Farore before you know it! 

 

LINK: HUFF! YAA! HIYAAA! 

 

LUCINA:  That’s the spirit.  Hope will never die!  Wow, I’m glad I changed over to Cavalier-class… we’d never make it if I were running alongside you without a horse!  

 

LINK: YA!

 

LUCINA:  You’ve reverted to your in-game battle-cries for the entirety of this story, haven’t you?  
  
LINK: *Grunt.* 

 

LUCINA: At least the rest of us have actual speaking roles. 

 

 

 

 

The scene transitions to a large tree-house in Ordon Province in the Kingdom of Hyrule.  Inside the tree house is a warm family scene with various incarnations of Hyrule’s main hero, Link.  Ocarina of Time Link gently scolds Toon – or Wind Waker Link as he tries to take a cookie from the bowl on the table before their companion, Twilight Link, who was supposed to ride in with Lucina, arrives.  Skyward Sword Link – who is technically the grandfather of them all, relaxes in a chair, carving a tiny model of a Loftwing out of wood.   
  
OCARINA OF TIME LINK: HIYAA!

 

TOON LINK: YA?

 

OCARINA OF TIME LINK: HIYAA – YA- YA!

 

SKYWARD LINK: HUUAH?

 

OCARINA LINK: *Takes a pictograph of Twilight Link off a shelf and looks at it quizzically* HYAA? HUH, WHA?  

 

TOON LINK: HUH-HUFF…HUFF. YA?

 

OCARINA LINK: *Shakes head.* 

 

 

 

 

DARK PIT: THAT IS IT!  Can’t any of them actually speak?  Can we at least get subtitles?  I don’t know how much longer I can stand a room full of Links!  When they’re not mute, they are making the stupidest sounds! 

 

PALUTENA: Well our sick (in more ways than one) author originally had it in mind to do this whole framing device with Pokemon, but thought that Links were funnier. 

 

PIT: I used to think the Hylian battle-cry was kind of cool…but please, please Lady Palutena, make it stop! 

 

PALUTENA: I’m afraid I can’t, Pit.  It’s all according to the script!

 

PIT: But Link totally talks! He has dialogue-trees in his games!  Why can’t we use those!  And doesn’t Toon Link actually talk a little bit in Wind Waker?

TOON LINK: OVER HERE! COME ON! 

 

PIT: *Winces.* 

 

OCARINA LINK Opens up a communication-channel and briefly speaks with Luigi and Mega Man about any knowledge of Twilight Link’s whereabouts.  They dispense what little knowledge they have and since they aren’t important to the story, are quickly cut off in favor of SKYWARD LINK guiding TOON LINK over to a hologram-board to put on some random old Smash matches for him.  This has nothing to do with the story.  He claps and makes happy noises like an idiot kid who is contractually obligated not to speak, lest he break tradition and his semi-avatar status with the player.  He also is playing expy to an idiot walking carpet, so he has to dumb down his acting performance. 

 

 

 

The scene transitions to a man in racing gear talking with a fat man in red who is not Santa Claus. 

 

MARIO: Oh, this is a special item!  Won’t you take a look?  Mini Cheep-cheeps all in a tiny tank so they can’t a bite you! 

 

CAPTAIN FALCON:  I hate fish.  What I am even doing in this role, anyway?  I was chosen for this token role because of the helmet I wear, right?  And why am I wearing and even more ridiculous version of it?  What is this, _Spaceballs_?  

 

MARIO: Sadly, a’ no.  That would be a far superior movie rip-off.  Just check out a’ some of the power-up items I brought in from my world!  Mushrooms that can make you a’ grow up big and strong! Stars that make you invincible for a minute! Oh, oh! A very useful item! Check a’ this out!  

 

CAPTAIN FALCON: A mustache-groomer?  
  
MARIO: It does more than that! A’ check out its features!  It grooms and a’ trims! It even recites a’ Tabu’s Imperial Code to the letter! 

 

While CAPTAIN FALCON aka Lord Helmet is distracted by looking over Mario’s merchant-wares, Mario raises a communication and speaks with the Link household covertly.  He quickly shuts things down and turns back to the captain. 

 

MARIO: Anyway, I must a’ be off… I’ve got to deliver that a… Smash Ball! Yeah! 

 

 

 

End largely pointless scene to transition back to the Ordon Tree House.  Ocarina of Time Link is at the cook pot before the house’s fireplace.  He has a high tech monitor, quite out of place in the medieval setting, where he punches up a cooking show.  The show features a cute pink puffy creature wearing a chef’s hat stirring a big spoon in a giant cauldron. 

 

KIRBY: POYO! POYO! POY-POY-POY-OH! 

 

DARK PIT: As if this couldn’t get even more annoying!  Sure, Kirby’s a master chef, but… is he having a seizure? Is Link having a seizure?  Just look at them!

 

KIRBY whips himself into frenzy before his cook pot.  OCARINA LINK does the same with his.  At the end of this escapade, both have created several bowls of Superspicy Curry. 

 

PIT: Oh no, they’re going to burn Link’s house down! 

 

DARK PIT: Good! Then they all die and we don’t have to keep being subjected to any more of this special! 

 

Unfortunately for him, poor little Pittoo is subjected to more. 

 

  
 

A magical monitor in the household cracks to life   
  
META KNIGHT: *Appears with his deep, ominous voice*  Attention, attention!  Due to suspicious Rebel activity against Master Tabu, all roads in and out of the Kingdom of Hyrule have been shut down and are subject to a blockade!  That is all! 

 

TOON LINK: *Whiny* HIYAAAA! 

 

PIT: *Gets on his knees before his goddess*  Lady Palutena…. Please end this!  I’ll give up all my desserts for a year! 

 

DARK PIT:  And I’ll stop picking random fights with dumb weak people! 

 

PALUTENA: This special isn’t even half over! 

 

PITS: NOOOOOOO! 

 

Meanwhile MALE!ROBIN and FEMALE!ROBIN are completely ignoring the special and are entertaining themselves with a game of Chess. 

 

PIT: I wish I knew how to play Chess… that way we could do what they’re doing! 

 

DARK PIT: It wouldn’t help.  All that Link-grunting has already burned itself permanently into my brain! 

 

 

 

A knock comes on the door of the tree house.  OCARINA OF TIME LINK cautiously opens the door to be greeted by MARIO. 

 

MARIO: Aw, Twilight isn’t a’ here yet?  Well, happy Feast of Farore, Links!  I’ve brought you gifts! 

 

MARIO distributes a Sheikah Stone to OCARINA OF TIME LINK, some kind of a technical kit to TOON LINK and last, he presents a red capped mushroom to SKYWARD LINK. 

 

MARIO: Take a’ this magic mushroom!  It is… how do I describe it?  Wow! 

 

SKYWARD LINK sits back in his chair after consuming the questionable fungus.  Immediately, the scene shifts to inside of his mind, where everything is sparkly. 

 

DARK PIT: Huh?  We’re watching people’s drug trips now?  
  
PALUTENA: The original special involved a “mind evaporator” chair and it was television made in America in the 1970s!  What do you expect?  
  
PIT: *Pouts* It makes about as much sense as the rest of this.

 

BAYONETTA appears in Link’s dream, as sexily clad as always. 

 

BAYONETTA: Oh, my… aren’t we exited.  You’re a naughty little elf, aren’t you?  What would your princess say? 

 

SKYWARD LINK: HIY-AAAA…

 

DARK PIT:  Oh, your gods and my dippy excuses for gods, Link!  WHERE ARE YOUR HANDS? WHERE ARE YOUR HANDS?  
  
FEMALE!ROBIN: You know, it’s only appropriate that he gain S-support for letting his “sword” go skyward.  I thought this was based on a family special?  
  
PALUTENA: *Hides Pit’s eyes with her hand.* 

 

BAYONETTA: How about we cut a deal, hero?  You let me out of your fantasy to go slaughter those vexing angels that are dispensing their sarcasm over this and we can have some real fun together. 

 

PIT: DON’T DO IT, SKYWARD LINK! 

 

BAYONETTA:  Kudos to you, Lady Palutena. You really do know how to torture an angel. 

 

PALUTENA: And were’ only halfway through this parody! 

 

 

PRINCESS ZELDA: *Beeps into the Ordon Treehouse communication crystal*

 

OCARINA OF TIME LINK:  Hiyaaaa….

 

PRINCESS ZELDA: Oh, he’s not there yet?  This does not bode well.   

 

 

Another knock comes to the door.  OCARINA OF TIME Link opens it to find META KNIGHT and CAPTAIN FALCON flanked by STALFOS TROOPERS.

 

CAPTAIN FALCON:  We must search the premises!  We have reports that subversive activities against Lord Tabu and the Subspace Empire have gone on from this location!  Isn’t there supposed to be another version of you here?

 

OCARINA OF TIME LINK: HIYAAA!

 

TOON LINK: HIYAAA! 

 

SKYWARD LINK: HIYAAA!

 

MARIO:  Oh, they had a’ falling out.  The Heroes of Hyrule got a little tired of the one in their club turning into a wolf and scuttling his butt across the floor, you see!  As a friend of the family, it was my a’ duty to help! 

 

META KNIGHT: Search the place.

 

MARIO: It is not a’ necessary to be rough!  You and your people must be a’ so tired! Put your feet up! Take a load off!  Here, let me show you this Sheikah Stone… and while Hylian food isn’t the best – mostly pumpkins and milk – I’m sure the Hero of Time and I can whip up something in the fireplace we can all a’ eat! 

 

MARIO guides CAPTAIN FALCON to a chair and sets the Sheikah Stone he’d originally given to one of the Link before him.  He taps it on the eye-design and a little hologram of a band appears before him on a table.  

 

DARK PIT: About time the Pokemon got dragged into this. 

 

PIT: Is that Meowth’s  Party? 

 

PALUTENA:  Yes.  It’s Nyasu no Patti.

 

 

 

The scene cuts to the magical hologram which is a band of Pokemon lead in song by a Japanese-screeching Meowth. 

 

 

DARK PIT: How long does this go on? 

 

MALE!ROBIN:  Lady and Robin and I do not care. We’re out of here. 

 

PALUTENA: Where to?

 

FEMALE!ROBIN: We’ve decided that sacrificing ourselves to Grima is a better option than this! 

 

MALE!ROBIN:  Or a least, finding a Smash Ball.  Chrom will save us. 

 

PIT: That lazy jerk?  No, if we have to suffer, so do you!  Otherwise, use your tactical minds to get us out of this! 

 

FEMALE!ROBIN: *Stares in horror as Nyasu no Patti just keeps going on, and on, and on*  I have no plan… no final strategy…

 

MALE!ROBIN: *Similar vacant stare* This is… This is the abyss.  Someone start playing “ID Purpose,” please! 

 

 

Meanwhile, back at the tree house, TOON LINK punches up, what else, a cartoon on his pirate communicator stone. 

 

PIT: Pick a genre, special! 

 

 

The cartoon scene opens upon LUIGI and PRINCESS ZELDA hailing TWILIGHT LINK and LUCINA on a Smash stage monitor.  LUCINA is tied up upside down in the background of an indoor castle scene. 

 

LUIGI: Link, buddy!  What has a’ happened to you? 

 

LINK:  HIYAA-HIYAA! YA! 

 

PRINCESS ZELDA: They were supposed to retrieve a special item! A suit of armor that makes you invisible!  The fabled Kellam’s Armor!  But what happened to LUCINA? Why is she unconscious and upside down?  It this some fan artist’s bondage fantasy?  I’ve seen Deviant Art! 

 

LINK: HIYAAA! YAAAH… HUFF, HIYAAA!   
  
PRINCESS ZELDA: I can’t speak to you like this, Link.  As long as the author is keeping you from doing your dialogue trees or giving you the gift of speech like she usually does in her fan fictions, I cannot understand you!  I’m sending Luigi and Mega Man to your coordinates.  Ah… still in Ylisse…No, Plegia! They’re somewhere in Plegia Castle! Oh, no!  

 

 

LUIGI and  MEGA MAN quickly assemble one of KIRBY’s little star ships from Smash match stage parts and crash land in the middle of a desert and get half-sucked into the sand.

 

YOSHI:  *Runs up and sticks out his long tongue and immediately eats the ship*

 

YOSHI: Yoshi! 

 

DARK PIT: Oh, no… not this… As if the “Hiyass” weren’t enough! 

 

A being in a suit of orange power armor comes up. 

 

PIT: SAMUS?

 

PALUTENA: Who did you expect to take on the role of the greatest bounty hunter in the galaxy?

 

SAMUS: You appear to be lost. May I be of help?  

 

MEGA MAN: MEGA-hi! We are searching for a lost friend of ours!

 

LUIGI: *Shivers* There aren’t any… a’ Primids or Boos about are there? 

 

SAMUS: Worse.  I took out some Risen and Metroids a while back.  Don’t worry. I have no love of Subspace, friend. I will help you. 

 

PIT: Does Samus seem a bit out of character to you? 

 

DARK PIT: NO ONE is in character in this Hades-spawned thing! 

 

YOSHI: YOSHI! 

 

SAMUS: *Bops Yoshi upside the head with her cannon-arm. No one objects to this.*  Follow me.

 

MEGA MAN: Should we trust her so quickly? 

 

LUIGI: Come on! This is Samus!  Our Smash buddy!  Nemesis to Ridley, scourge to Space Pirates! She’s a hero! What a’ could go wrong? 

 

MEGA MAN: Doesn’t she blow up planets?

 

 

The scene changes to the interior of a dark castle where the party finds the tied-up LUCINA and LINK in front of a window with a suit of armor. 

 

LUIGI: Oh, Link! There you are! And you have Kellam’s Armor!  What’s wrong?

 

LINK: HIYAAAA! 

 

LINK tosses the suit of armor out the window.  A distinct scream comes from said armor as it falls. 

 

KELLAM:  I’M STILL INSIDE IT!  AAAAAAH! 

 

As LUIGI enters the room, he collapses. 

 

MEGA MAN: Oh, no! What mega-happened? 

 

PIT: Lady Palutena? Why is Mega Man talking like he did in that horrible _Captain N the Game Master_ cartoon? You remember, the one that technically had me in it but got nothing canon about me right, not even my name?

 

DARK PIT: It’s not as if we aren’t already being tortured by ONE horrible old thing! 

 

PALUTENA: Well, our author hasn’t played any of the Mega Man games and has no idea how to write him, so her brain goes back to the terrible television of her childhood!  
  
PIT: *Pouts* Hmmph.

 

PALUTENA: Also, this increases your discomfort, which is amusing to her.  This IS Shadsie were’ talking about. 

 

PIT: I almost want to be in one of her darkfics instead of this!  Hey, Pittoo! Remember that one she wrote where I died and was reincarnated as kitten?  Compared to this, that was awesome. 

 

SAMUS: *Regards the fallen Luigi and glances at Lucina* Ah, Kellam’s Armor was given a magical curse that affects humans except for him. 

 

MEGA MAN: It’s not affecting Link! 

 

Link: Hiyaaa! *Points to his ears*

 

SAMUS: He is a Hylian.  I have alien DNA.  Luigi… um… I don’t know what kind of a human he is, but he’s definitely affected and the only way to keep humans with the curse alive until the cure can be found is to make the blood rush to their head.  That’s why Luci’s trussed up like a freshly-caught fish. 

 

SAMUS: *Makes quick work of tying Luigi up and suspending him next to Lucina*

 

SAMUS: I know what cures this curse.  I need to go alone.  Stay here.

 

LINK: HIYAAA! YAAAAH! 

 

MEGA MAN: Link seems unhappy. 

 

SAMUS: He shouldn’t be.  He’s got his girlfriend conveniently in bondage. 

 

MEGA MAN:  Girlfriend?

 

SAMUS: This is a Shadsie Smash Bros. story. You know she ships Link x Lucina. 

 

MEGA MAN: You seem to know an awful lot about this realm.

 

SAMUS: I play strategy games with the Robins. They’ve told me a lot. 

 

LINK: HIYAAA! 

 

MEGA MAN: He’s going with you.

 

SAMUS: Very well. 

 

SAMUS and LINK venture into a Plegian market town full of Grimleal.  SAMUS bids LINK to stay behind as she ducks into an alley and opens up a communication device. GANONDORF appears upon a holographic screen. 

 

SAMUS: I have secured the bodies you want, Lord Ganondorf. 

 

GANONDORF: Those Smashers are of no use to me if they are not alive. 

 

SAMUS: I have gained their trust.   

 

GANONDORF:  I’d expect no less from the greatest bounty hunter in the galaxy.

 

MEGA MAN: *Takes a break from monitoring LUCINA AND LUIGI to randomly bring up GANONDORF’S message with SAMUS on his sensors.*

 

PIT: *Folds his arms* You know what, Lady Palutena?  I usually like cartoons, but the plot of this one is making my brain hurt! 

 

DARK PIT: The animation is making my brain hurt! Are you sure we aren’t watching one of Link’s old CDI games? 

 

SAMUS and LINK proceed to make a thrilling escape from the Plegian town with the countercurse in tow, pursued by Risen.  Or you’d think it would be thrilling, but it takes place in poorly-drawn slow motion so it’s as boring and irritating as everything else that has gone on so far.  SAMUS applies the counter-hex to LUCINA and LUIGI, who recover.

 

LUCINA: Oh, thanks, Samus!  We knew you were a friend! 

 

MEGA MAN: Friend…friend… does not compute.

 

LINK: HIYAA-YAA!  *Makes exasperated motions with his hands*

 

LUCINA: Why of course Samus is a friend!  She just saved us.  By the way, what happened to Kellam?

 

MEGA MAN: I intercepted a message between her and Ganondorf!  Samus is working for the Subspace Empire! She’s Ganondorf’s right-hand woman! 

 

SAMUS: *Aims arm canon at them all as she steps into the courtyard of Plegia castle and dons a jet pack* We’ll meet again, friend! 

 

SAMUS jets off. 

 

DARK PIT: Well, that was pointless.

 

 

 

The scene cuts to the STALFOS TROOPERS ransacking the Ordon Treehouse. 

 

DARK PIT: *Perks up, flaring out his wings, his red eyes shiny with hope* The Links are getting their house wrecked? They’re making Links suffer?  Finally!  This just got interesting! 

 

PIT: Why does Toon Link keep a stuffed Darknut by his bed? 

 

STALFOS TROOPER: *Rips the head off the Darknut, revealing the head of a jackal-like creature underneath.*

 

PIT: OOOH!  For the Wind Waker inside joke.

 

DARK PIT: Oh, what’s Toony doing now? 

 

TOON LINK: *Opens up an instruction-video on the high tech Smash type thing he’s just opened.* 

 

NARRATION:  Congratulations on your purchase of your very own Robotic Operating Buddy.  To assemble it, you will be guided by a two-dimensional being.  These beings have a tendency to glitch.  This in no way reflects upon the quality of our product.

 

GAME N’ WATCH: *Appears on the screen, holding up parts and randomly beeping and glitching*

 

PALUTENA: *Waves her staff and fast-forwards* Alright. Even I’m not cruel enough to subject you to a full-scale instruction video. 

 

PIT: It’s not even for IKEA furniture!  That at least might be useful! 

 

 

A monitor crackles on in the Ordon tree house and suddenly grabs the attention of CAPTAIN FALCON and META KNIGHT. 

 

Monitor:  This is recommended viewing by Tabu for your enlightenment and comparison.  It is time for “Life in Nohr.” 

 

PIT: Again, special, pick a genre!  This is making me feel like I’m in Pandora’s labyrinth all over again!

 

 

The scene cuts to a Mess Hall bordered by stark trees in a dimly lit fortress.  Inside the Mess Hall are a variety of creatures – just about every Smasher that hasn’t been mentioned so far – especially the weird ones like Donkey Kong and Pac-Man. Behind a bar is a young woman in white and black scaled armor with long grayish-white hair. 

 

FEMALE!CORRIN:  So, I turned the wheat field I’ve got out back into a source for brewing beer.  C’mon.  In something like this, someone has to provide some booze!  I’ve got all kinds of stuff here – from food my soldiers find on the ground – fish, meat, cabbages, peaches… to Chateau Romani to… This parody is so bad I’ve even got stuff from non-Nintendo games on stock if you want something really strong!  Tell me, friend, if you can’t take it, I’ll break out the Nord Mead and maybe even the Skooma! 

 

RYU: *Walks in* Got some sake?  *Reads script* Hey, it says here that I’m supposed to do a musical number with you because the Subspace Empire is shutting this tavern down.

 

FEMALE!CORRIN: A musical number? Ooh, no… forget it!  *Turns into a dragon, wrecking most of the bar in the process and makes everyone part ways for her long deer-like horns as she bounds and flies away.

 

RYU: Alright… no musical number.  I guess I’ll go meet with Little Mac so we can go beat up a car.  *Sigh.* 

 

PIT: Well, that was short. 

 

PALUTENA: Well, as much as our author likes Bea Arthur, we don’t really have an equivalent for her and she just didn’t want to write out a song and dance.  Don’t worry. This thing is almost over. 

 

PIT: We promise, audience!

 

 

 

The scene transitions back to the tree house.  Toon Link is enlisting the aid of his new R.O.B. unit to distract a Stalfos. 

 

TOON LINK: COME ON! OVER HERE! 

 

TOON LINK runs out the door of the tree house to the balcony.  That’s just when TWILIGHT LINK and LUCINA arrive. 

 

TWLIGHT LINK: HIYAA! YAAH, YAAH! 

 

STALFOS: *Drops its own sword in surprise and promptly trips over it, clattering into a pile of bones at the foot of the tree.*

 

TWILIGHT LINK: *Pulls a bomb out of his belt pouch and drops it on the thing, making sure it explodes into powder.*

 

PIT: Dumbest. Minion. Ever. Hades’ minions don’t even have brains, and they’re smarter than this! 

 

DARK PIT: What do you want? It is a Stalfos… Just a skeleton. His brain rotted out long ago. Technically, it shouldn’t even be able to move! 

 

LUCINA: Now’s our chance, Link! 

 

LUCINA and TWILIGHT LINK proceed to fight CAPTIAN FALCON, META KNIGHT and the STALFOS TROOPERS.  The STALFOS are vanquished and exploded by TWILIGHT LINK while CAPTAIN FALCON and META KNIGHT run out of stock and are sent to the Smash Loser’s Circle. 

 

DARK PIT: Okay… let me get this straight… Why couldn’t the other Links have done this?  Did they get their Triforces of Courage revoked? 

 

PALUTENA: Good question!  The original had Wookies. They could have just ripped all the Stormtroopers’ arms off or something!  Did someone let the Chaos Kin into the writers’ room? 

 

LUCINA:  Happy Feast of Farore, every…Link.  Uh… I’ve gotta get back to Ylisse. I’m sorry I can’t stay longer, but until you guys are all able to actually speak, I can’t stand hanging out with nothing but battle-cries!  My father grunts enough with those! 

 

ALL LINKS: HIYAAA! YAAA? HUFF-HYAAA?

 

LUCINA:  *Covers ears and runs from the tree house.* 

 

After Lucina leaves, ALL LINKS walk into a glowing Triforce that inexplicably appears. 

 

DARK PIT: Whut? 

 

PIT: What is the Feast of Farore, anyway?

 

PALUTENA: It’s a day just for Links. It’s how they celebrate their various incarnations throughout their endless line of games!

 

PIT: Oh, no, does this mean that we’re about to see all of the Links doing some kind of Hylian battle-cry chorus? 

 

The scene transitions to a cavern in which every Link from across time, space and Legend of Zelda games have gathered.  Every Link that’s ever been, including the Triforce Heroes and the Four Swords are there. 

 

And they’re all screaming their battle cries. 

 

LINKS: HIYAAAAAAA! 

 

 

PITS:  Turn to stone out of pure agony.

 

PALUTENA: Well, that does it for The Super Smash Bros. Holiday Special.  I hope you survived! 

 

A mighty roar comes from outside the studio.  Palutena waves her staff and opens a door to be met with the skull-like face of a giant dragon.  The Robins and Chrom are riding upon its neck.  They look like they have teamed up. 

 

GRIMA: MUST… DESTORY! EVEN I AM NOT THIS EVIL! 

 

PALUTENA: Well, whoops… it seems like I have summoned the end of all things by presenting this special.  Oh, well, see you in a better life, readers! 

**Author's Note:**

> So ends the fic I could only write when sick. I hope I haven’t driven anyone off my writing as my work is usually not this crack-tactular. I’ve seen the Star Wars Holiday Special done by The Nostalgia Critic and Rifftrax. Last night, I tried to put myself to sleep (this is a horrible cold) by looking it up on YouTube and watching it without training wheels… um… I couldn’t quite get all the way through it without a good over-riffing. Just a warning, this thing is GREAT with professional snark, but without it… it’s an hour and a half of your life you will never get back. 
> 
> Oh, and I had to go back over parts of it while writing this fic to get the order of the skits correct. No one must doubt that I suffer for my art.


End file.
